Is Chivalry Dead???? In my case....yes

I have been with my boyfriend on and off for 7 years. Now its suppose to be the long haul. But i don't feel that way. When our youngest was 3 months old, he walked out on us, telling me he didn't love me anymore and he was moving into his mom's so we could work on things.

til this day i don't understand why he left. he came over, used me for sex, never answered my calls. i was an emotional wreck. i was just dead inside. i soon found out he started dating this girl he worked with.

lets back track. from day one. i always felt like something was going on between the 2 of them. we had been together 2 years when i found an email from this bitch saying she wanted my boyfriend to take her to the shooting range. I'm sure he took her. He never took me and til this day its something that I am interested in doing. Then after I had my daughter, I found another email from the same bitch, the 2 of them were going to go out to dinner. she emailed him a menu and everything. i about died inside. i still feel he is hiding something and i feel in my heart he cheated on me.

For almost 2 years we weren't together and he moved in with that bitch. involved my kids in her life. she thought she was going to be there mother. the bitch even had the nerve to write me a letter to my home talking about we needed to be friends for the sake of my children, i could have killed that bitch. i still want to too.

my boyfriend even got a new cell number and wouldn't give it too me. he let this woman control his life. he even went as far as to having me email him only and when he called me, he would call private. one time i had a small fire in my apartment and he refused to come and get his children, his parents did.

i still hate a part of him for doing this to me. he should be lucky to have me back. but he sure doesn't act like it. where is the opening of the car door? where are the unexpected flowers? the unexpected notes on my car (like he used to do). he lays next to me in bed and we don't even have sex. i am very unhappy in my relationship. i feel like i am wasting my life away. and its not to be mean, its the way i feel. am i not worth it? what am i doing in a relationship where the person doesn't even have the ambition to do the things to marry me.

then when i bring it up, i am the one cheating. obviously you are the one with the guilty conscious. why do you always say that. i know in my heart you are cheating and i just wish you would come clean. i hate this shit and i feel like i am done. i care but i can't. i can't be in a loveless relationship. i want the man who will take care of me. open my car door. do the unexpected. if you want to be with me, then you need to change or i am gone. i refuse to play house anymore. the ball is in your court.

friends

i haven't written in awhile and i just wanted to jot down some thoughts for future writings.

1. who my real friends are.

2. blowing 60,000 dollars.

3. my mother talking crap about me.

spending time with the kids. so maybe i will have the chance to write more after.....

Laziness

Ugh......
i have been so unproductive today. I have done nothing. it's my day off and normally i like to just hang out. but dang. nothing......

Hand me the damn money!!!

OK...people....
Yes, I work retail. And yes I love some aspects of it. But I need to tell you all something. If you are buying something with cash. DO NOT PUT THE MONEY ON THE FUCKING COUNTER!!!! I hate that shit. I have a hand that you can but the money in. Hand it to me. I think it is the rudest thing in the world.
Why is is it so hard to put the money in my hand? I really really really don't get it.
Whats funny though is when I go and put the money on the counter, the same way you handed to me me. I get the meanest looks in the world. Like how dare I? WTF you just did it to me. I mean give me a break.
People need to learn to respect people who work in the retail industry. We are here to help serve the general public. Not get walked on and treated like shit.
I also hate when people think we should give away the whole store to them. I don't give a damn if you have shopped in this store for a 100 years. Why do you think you can abuse the system by returning something you have clearly worn and you just want your money back. I would never in my life ever dream of doing something like that. Unless there was clearly a problem with the merchandise.
Anyways, i am getting off my soapbox. But the next time you are in a retailer, please think of us. We are human to and we deserve to be treated with RESPECT!!!!!

Movie Time

Just saw Madagascar with the kids and Emma's girlfriend Nicole. What a cute movie...I really didn't have too much time to blog today. I worked until 5:30, got Nicole, ate dinner and then we went to the movies.

It is a cute movie even if you don't have kids. i would highly recommend it to anyone. And I am sure there will be a Madagascar 3, because of the way it was left. No more details than that, I hate ruining the ending for people.

Okay now to do a One Minute Blog. You guys should see this lady's site. Pretty cool. She gives ideas on what to write about everyday. She says it should only take you one minute. So here we go......



What affect has a child, whether yours or someone else's, had on your life?

There is a young girl in my daughters class named Nicole. I have taken her under my wing this year. Her mother is a single parent and works full time as a waitress. Barely makes enough money to make ends meet, but has enough money to get loaded (not sure on what yet) on which seems like every night. She is the nicest lady I have ever met. But I am still not sure on how to approach the subject. i just want to make sure they are both ok. I care alot for them both. But Nicole is such a sweet kid. She makes me feel special because I know I make her feel special, And I know me being in her life will be a great impact on hers. I just hope and pray every night she has a save night and her mother is able to care for her in the proper way needed.

I need help people. Do I talk to the mother? Should I ask her does she think she is fooling me? She is either drunk, but I never smell booze, or she is on I would say heroin, coke or crack. What do I say without being an ass? Losing her trust? Not being able to have her daughter hang out anymore??? I am stuck in a rut. I just don't know what to do.

I let Emma stay the night last weekend and when we dropped Emma off, the mother was so loaded on something she couldn't even get out of her chair. We didn't want to make a scene so we still let Emma stay. But I let Emma know I would be calling to say goodnight. When we did call the mother never answered the phone. We called twice back to back. I made my husband go and get Emma and when he knocked on the door. Nicole just whipped it open without even asking who it was. Jesus he could have been anyone. But the mother was passed out naked in her room. And at 8pm the girls were just eating dinner. We left Nicole there because we didn't want her mother to wake up and freak out that he kid was taken. I was mad about even doing that. But my husband said it probably wasn't Nicole's first time with having to deal with this. such is life....


But tonight when I dropped Nicole off the mother was fine. Nothing...Just her normal self. So, maybe my husband getting Emma helped? Maybe it was a wake-up call. We will see. I hope it was.....

i feel i should explain....

in the note my mother left she mentioned a boy named hal. and i want to explain him more to everyone.........
hal moved to saline when i was in the 9th grade. and we hit it off. if you have ever been to saline. Mich. you would understand. you have to fit into 3 categories to fit in, in saline.
1. a farmer
2. play sports or
3. have lots and lots of money.

me, being from a single parent household and living with my grandparents we had no money. and my mother worked 2 jobs.

i wasn't exactly trying to fit in either. i love being different and living so cloe to ann arbor, i knew that being different was ok. my mom would buy me the clothes i wanted but i loved going to the thirft store and dressing vintage and using rubberbands for bracelets.

but back to hal....

when he moved to saline i was his first friend and we got along great. and with him being gay it didn't make my mother all nervous about me hanging around a guy. and hal's mother was awesome!!! she adopted me like her own and would eventually try and protect me from my own mother, but we will go back to that.

hal's dad had no idea he was gay, so i played the girlfriend role. he was my best friend and we got along great. we did everything together, we were inseparable. i even stayed the night at his house. which was okay, i slept on the couch in the gameroom. anything to get away from my own family was great. and hal's house was flippin insane. they lived in manchester, michigan in this old farm house. i swear it was haunted. one time we were upsets playing pool and we heard the dishes moving below in the kitchen and we thought awesome "mom's" home and its time to eat. but boy were we wrong. no one was home and the table was set. we looked at each other in awe. how cool!!! we really thought nothing of it and went back upstairs to finish our game.

in saline no one understood gays or blacks for that matter. we went to school in an old german town. i can only remember 5 blacks in the school the whole time i went there and the farmers were cruel. they called them the n-word and told them to return to africa. it was truly ashame to be around people who had no respect for anyone different. and there were a couple of gays some who were not out and some who were. and there was one girl who played softball who we all new was gay, but she was the only one who was accepted because she played sports. and all of my other friends who were got hell, and anyone who tried to protect them. i was thrown into lockers, called a lesbian, a nigger lover. they would stop at nothing to try and break us down. i would never give up and til this day i will protect the people i love.

hal and i used to find things to do. living in saline wasn't fun by any means. we would go into ann arbor and hang out down town but that got old quick. so we started hanging out at this teen club in detroit of all places. it was in a safer part thank god. because when i look back now, its like holy shit. i refuse to go into detroit unless i am going to see a play, concert or sports game.

but on this night it would change our whole life. we left the club and it was snowing pretty bad. we headed back to my granparents house so i could grab some clothes. it was the middle of december, almost christmas......to be continued subaway has arrived :) yippeee!!!!!

so, we stopped back at my house so i could grab clothes. it was close to midnight if not later. my dog had just had a litter of puppies and they were so darn cute. my mom told me i should stayed and i told her i would be fine and we left. i think that year it was our big snow storm. so we headed to manchester which was about an hour from saline. the best way to get there is taking back roads. as we were driving i got a text and hal had to pee so we stopped in this tiny little town that you literally miss if you blink. after we finished our business, we got back into the car. all i remember is that hal was driving too fast and then we ended up on the road with a truck that had flipped over. when i finally realized what had happened i told hal we needed to get up and get help. we were in the middle of the country and there were only too houses by us. barely being able to walk, holding my shoulders up to my next, we starting walking towards the house. my legs couldn't really carry me, and i laid in the snow in front of a farm house. i heard a dog barking and not knowing if it would attack me i got up yet again and walked toward the front of the house. barely being able to breathe let alone talk, i knocked so softly no one would ever hear me and the whisper screams for help did nothing. so i sat to wait falling in and out of consciousness waiting for help which seemed like an eternity. all of the sudden a car came out of no where and ran up to me. all the time hal had gone off to other houses trying to get help. he wasn't hurt as badly as i was and he was able to be mobile and get help. i was unable to walk. i had became his air bag in a sense. when the truck flipped over, i cushioned his "fall."

When the guy came, i assume running to me, i remember holding his hand and asking him not to leave me. he assured me though he was going to get us help. and what felt like a matter of minutes, help had arrived. to this day, i feel he was my guardian angel.

in the ambulance ride i held onto hal and i remember the paramedic asking me time after time was i still with him. to respond and answer him.

when we got to the hospital, i don't remember too much because i kept my eyes closed the whole time. i know my grandpa came and he had to leave me to go back to get my mother. he didn't know how badly i was hurt. she then came and never left my side. because the hospital they ended up taking me to was the hospital my mother was a r.n. at. and i was just a floor below her.

finally after all my test they came back to tell my mother i had broken my back. a millimeter away from being paralyzed. i have my thorasic t3-t9 fused. i had broken my right shoulder and some of my ribs. doctors came in amazed...they said as soon as i got up to walk and let alone getting up to walk twice my spine should have snapped in half.

after all the surgeries and finally being able to go back home, it has been a long recovery. til this day i live with pain and the reminder of what happened to me. so for my mother to bring up hal, and say it was my fault, i say how dare you. i was 15, you should have been a parent and told me NO. i don't blame her. i did my own thing. i didn't listen.

such is life i guess.....

HELP!!!

ok...i need help people. someone please teach me how to work this thing. i know there is a way to find you all out there. but is there a search field or something. how do i find all the bloggers in blog world?? if someone would let me know, that would be cool......

because i didn't leave a message....

Man, do you have some nerve.
You did not leave a message.
I am not a mind reader. If you want a call back, leave a message.
Let's just remember who stopped calling who.
Let's just remember who slams my name, stopped calling me,
associated me with Jill, and Jason.
Let's just remember who makes her brother cry when she
CAN NOT KEEP HER PROMISE OF A SIMPLE VISIT.
We are just not that important to you anymore and you
have spoken LOUD AND CLEAR!
I GOT IT SARAH. I GET IT SARAH.
YOU NEED TO GROW UP. STOP LIVING IN THE PAST
AND MOVE FORWARD.
YOU GOT INTO HAL'S CAR THAT FATEFUL NIGHT.
YOU SPENT ALL YOUR MONEY ON DRUGS AND BOOZE AND LOOK HOW MANY FRIENDS YOU STILL HAVE FROM THE PAST.
I DID THE BEST JOB I KNEW HOW.
JUST REMEMBER TO TEACH AND BE A PARENT TO EMMA AND MYA AND NOT A FRIEND.
LOOK WHERE IT GOT ME. NO WHERE.......


so, this the note i received from my mother on my myspace when i asked her why she didn't call me back. i didn't know i needed to leave a message for my own mother to call me back!?!?!?!since when do i need to leave my mother a flipping message to call me back. not since i can remember....
and then to bring up hal??? hal was a friend of mine in high school. we got into a severe car accident when i was 15. i broke my back, shoulder and ribs. no clue why she brought that up. i was almost paralyzed but by the grace of god i wasn't. and then for her to bring up i got into his car, i have no clue where she was going with that. w.t.f nancy. make some sense.
and yes, i used drugs in my past. you moved me to mississippi when i was 17 years old so you could join the air force, because that was the only way we wouldn't have to live with your mother anymore. wow...lamo... only way in your life that you could support us was moving me 1400 miles away from my family. and i hooked up with the wrong crowd and ended up doing coke, x, and got tats up the ying yang.
but now that i have grown up and i am 28, i look back at the past and yes realized i have done bad things. but i can't look down on myself for what i did. you live and learn.
i didn't have a mother. she could of cared less about what i was doing. we were in a new environment and she wasn't a mother. basically i went out and did what i wanted. i turned into a person that i now hate. i look back and it makes my stomach turn when i think about the things of done. but that is a whole new blog in its self.
i am just torn that i do not get to see my brother who is 8. i am 28 and my mother is 48. when she was in the military, thats were she met her loser husband. and they had a new family and left me in the dark.
i got pregnant while i lived with them and my mother claims she didn't kick me out. i just was no longer welcome to live in their home. so to me, she kicked me out. but made sure to call the whole to let them know i was lying and how dare i say i was kicked out.
my whole family is a bunch of gossips and love to run everyone's name in the mud. and play telephone with each other.
i could go on and on for days. but i love that this isn't myspace. i don't know any of you. if you read this fine. but i just want to write my life down. have in front of me before i lose my mind. i feel like i have no one to turn to, not even my own boyfriend. like he wants to sit here and listen to me about my fucked up family. all he'll try to do is turn it around on me and tell me not to feed into my family, which i understand. but how can i ignore this when it tares me apart when i think about it. ::sigh:: such is life. it just feels better to let it out in some form.......

My Life...

Since I can remember I have always wished to have a new family. At least from the age of 3, I would fall asleep and wish to wake up with a new mom and to have a dad. My mother was a single parent and I grew up in my grandparents home with my mother for most of my life. I grew up in the most dysfunctional setting ever imaginable. My mother would mentally abuse me everyday.

I remember at the age of 3 or 4, I was getting ready for dance class. My grandmother made me wear those awful huge cotton underwear in the winter. They were sooo thick. So while I was getting on my ballerina outfit my mother came up to me and told me how fat and disgusting I looked. What an embarrassment I was to her. Going out in public looking like this. I mean for the love of fucking GOD, I was a kid, I was 3 years old. You didn't help me. I was expected to do things on my own. I am sure if I were to ever confront my mother on these things, she would never admit to them. We don't even talk to each other anymore, which is perfectly fine with me.

Once, when it was my nap time, I wanted to play in my mother's make-up. What little girl doesn't want to play dress-up with her mother's things?? My mother and I lived in the basement of my grandparents. So, instead of taking a nap, I got up and put on her make-up. when she came home, she took it upon herself to beat the living shit out of me with a lint brush. I was 3. And screaming for help, no one came. My grandparents I am sure were upstairs and they let my mother continuously treat me like this.

My grandparents were no better. Especially my grandmother. Who would beat the shit out of us every second she got. And the state let her be a foster parent. She abused those kids like they were wild animals. I watched her pick up one kid by his ears. My grandmother was and is psychotic.

I stand back and look at myself at times and I see the evil in me. I see the product of my environment in me and it's scary.....

too be continued gotta get emma from school....